"EMPOWER YOURSELF" BLOG SERIES - Keeping it real, raw and authentic
Louise Walker - Empowerment & Awakening Coach
Break up or Break through? Three ways to empower yourself during a break up
Unless you’ve married your childhood sweetheart and are still together, chances are you’ve experienced a relationship “break up” in your life.
This can be a heightened emotional experience. It can be a very painful time. It can also be a relief. Even a minor celebration may be in order for some!
The thing is, your “break ups” can also be opportunities for you to “break through” and grow into a more evolved, balanced and happy human. (Tip: perfect for when you are ready to date again- which version of you would you like to date?).
**HERE'S THREE WAYS TO "EMPOWER" YOURSELF DURING A BREAK UP**:
1 - Practise the art of “discounting”
This means you consciously look for and remember what was “wrong” in the relationship
It’s common to look back whimsically after a relationship ends and mentally go over all the “good times”
You torture yourself with these memories, seeing them clearly and reliving how it felt, what was said, where you were etc – and for what outcome?
Let’s look at this objectively:
Of course there were “good times” or you wouldn’t have been in that relationship in the first place.
The reality is that times weren’t always “good.” There were mis-alignments arguments, frustrations, miscommunication which mean you are now no longer together.
To “discount” the relationship, simply list out all the reasons you recognise that your ex partner wasn’t right for you.
Get detailed, don’t leave anything out.
Write out how you felt about their less than endearing qualities. Be ruthlessly honest with yourself here.
Get real, write down what you were tolerating in that relationship that was far from ideal. Call on specific examples and get those down too.
Let it all out.
Purge onto the paper.
Be with any emotion that arises as you do this, let yourself feel it.
Tip: Keep your “Discounting” list handy for yourself (journal or phone) and refer back to it when you notice yourself fantasising about what could have been if you were still together, i.e: Lost in a movie in your mind of a reality that doesn’t exist.
Witness how much training your mind in this way is helpful. Remember you don’t have control of what others say and do (i.e. your ex) but you have the power to choose what you think and feel and where your attention goes.
Where attention goes, energy flows.
So choose wisely.
2 – Set social media boundaries (with YOURSELF)
Have you ever found yourself de-friending & un-following your ex on all socials, only to then sneak looks at their Facebook or Instagram feed?
It’s been two months since your break up. You start missing your ex. So you make the decision to snoop on their socials to get your “fix” and see what they are up to.
A part of you is secretly hoping that they’ll look miserable in their photos, posting poems about heartbreak with sad emojis.
Maybe you’re hoping they haven’t posted at all since you broke up - they’re so sad that they can’t even bring themselves to share anything on socials.
Whatever your “hope” is, chances are, looking at their social media WILL NOT make you feel better.
What will likely happen is the following . . .
You’ll see that your ex will possibly have a hot new hair cut.
They’ll be out socialising (and smiling) with their single friends. The ones you never really liked.
They’ll be wearing a new top you’ve never seen.
And the new top annoyingly seems to clings to an unusually toned physique.
Because of course you’ll see they’ve also finally joined the gym. Finally joined the gym. Finally got that six pack that they’d promised you for the two years you were together.
And. They look good (and happy).
You. Are fucking fuming.
How dare they.
It hurts doesn’t it. When we realise they are actually doing ok without us.
Are you with me?
You won’t see what (you think) you want to see. The attempt to try to make yourself feel better by looking at their socials is futile. And deep down you know this.
So what IS your social media snooping about?
It’s time to shift these old ways and stop pricking yourself in the eyes with painful social media pins.
There is another option – it involves you being strong.
Picture this alternative:
You feel the pull to sneakily “check in” on your ex on socials. But this time you pause…
You feel the pull. And you continue to pause…
In this pause you ask yourself, do you really want to know what they are doing now you’ve broken up?
And if it’s a “yes”, ask yourself, what part of you is it, that wants to know?
The jealous part?
The bitter part?
The controlling part?
Maybe the cruel, dark, self-harming part of you?
Do you want to feed this part or take back your power in that moment, rather than falling back into old ways.
In this pause moment you get to remind yourself of this:
Your reason for looking at their socials is to try to make yourself feel ‘better’ in some way.
You ALSO get to lovingly remind yourself that actually this strategy is flawed, and creates the bloody opposite for you!
i.e: You feel shite after checking on them on social media
Tip: So the next time the finger itches asking you to check your ex’s instagram, choose to use your energy differently. Shift your attention and take back your power.
Bravely wield your weapon of “choice”.
Yes. You get to choose. And choose differently what you do with your valuable free time.
Here’s some options to choose instead:
Blast out your favourite Spotify track. Sing along or dance to shift the energy out of your system.
Call a friend.
Go for a walk/run.
Do some yoga.
Have a cuppa and read a chapter from a book.
Anything to shift the energy and break the habit.
3 – Embrace the extra time
Moving from being with a partner to being single usually means you suddenly have more time on your hands.
More time for introspection. Valuable time to build a deeper relationship with yourself.
This is a fertile and potent time to soak up growth and new awareness. To help you process the break up and also to prepare you for future ones.
Being able to self reflect and self enquire is fundamental to your growth as a human being.
It will help you form deeper relationships with a) Yourself (the most important relationship you will ever have) b) Those around you and c) Your next romantic partner
Here are three powerful enquiry questions to sit with:
1 - What new learnings about myself can I take away from this relationship?
2 - What elements of myself that I don’t like came up in this relationship?
3 - What have I now learnt about what I want in my next relationship that I didn’t fully see before?
Tip: Journaling is a very healing and revealing technique. It allows you to become objective to what is previously subjective. In other words, you get to see on paper what’s going on for you, instead of it all swirling around in your unconscious. Get it out.
To start with, have a go at writing for just 5-10 mins a day on these three enquiry questions and do this every day for a week.
And the most powerful times of day to journal are:
1) Early first thing in morning, the earlier the better. This is known as “the golden hour.” Before you do anything else when you wake up, get your journal and pen out and see what wants to flow onto the page.
2) Or last thing at night to allow you to clear any debris out of your head before you sleep. Empty your thoughts out of your brain and onto the page.
So was it a “Break up”, or “Break through? What would you like to experience? That depends on you.
You always get to choose. That is always in your power.
Empowerment and Awakening coach - www.louisewalker.com.au
Curious how coaching with me could support you to break through what's holding you back? Contact me here to book a complimentary Discovery coaching session.
"Being coached by Louise was a healing, magical & (at times) confronting experience. Louise has a way of delving into the underlying issues with compassion and care. I felt safe and genuinely supported. Louise is a strong and insightful coach, she holds the mirror up better than anyone I have ever met. Before coaching I'd get frustrated with myself, judge myself, finding it difficult to be vulnerable. Louise helped me identify my issues & underlying beliefs to my behaviour and thinking so that I could change them for the better. I am forever grateful for - you have opened my eyes and I am grateful for your kind support."